I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
