Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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