I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
