Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
