i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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