why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm at about main and main street
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
