I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
