My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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