still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
