you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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