If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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