why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
