i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
