I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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