I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
