So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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