You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
