I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
