you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
