she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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