I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
