Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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