I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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