So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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