and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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