Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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