apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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