That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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