i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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