dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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