i think i have herpe
just one?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
