You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
