i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
