i think my tv is drunk
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
