god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
