I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
