I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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