Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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