my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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