Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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