hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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