I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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