Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
