You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
