I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wish there were birth control emojis
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
