just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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