I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
