when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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