he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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