If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
