So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
3 2 1 whiskey
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
