I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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