I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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